BiPolar
by Virtie
Summary: After death questions, mysterious white powder, all of your favorite characters in one spot! R/R and we'll give you what we were smoking when we wrote this!
1. Heroin and Chocolate Frogs

This was inspired by the random happenings in chats with my friends. It was co-written by Me, BreetanyaViolet, and Zenya. Have fun!  
  
Disclaimer: JK Rowling shouldn't be held responsible for any of this, even though the characters are 100% hers. XD  
  
"The crazy nurse is injecting my mom with herion," Hermione said to Harry and Ron.  
  
"Shut up Hermione! No one cares about you, we all hate you! But, now that you mention it, where could we score some herion?" Harry said, looking around for some druggies.  
  
"Well if you all hate me so much why should i get you ANY herion?" Hermione asked snorting some suspious white powder.  
  
"Because you're desperately in need of friends?" Ron prodded. "Plus we don't NEED you to get us herion. That's what Snape's for!"  
  
"Thats a good point. Where the hell is Snape, anyway?" Harry asked, still looking for some druggies.  
  
"I have friends!" Hermione cried. "Look! There is Blue Kangaroo Bob, and Pink Elephant Pippin!"  
  
"Don't make me bitch slap you again. Ill only say this one more time. The PINK ELEPHANT PIPPIN IS MINE!" Ron shouted, throwing a dirty m&m at her.  
  
"That was stupid, Hermione,"Harry said, giving her a dirt look. "You're not even stoned yet. By the way, you should listen to weezer."  
  
"How long do you think I've had this herion, Pothead?" Hermione sneered. "I've been taking it since last bleeding night!"  
  
"I've got my hash pipe! Dun na nah na!" Ron starts singing, shaking his booty.  
  
"Go listen to pickerton... or the blue album, they're their best cds." Harry said, in a dazed 'I want drugs' state.  
  
"WHO STOLE MY CHOCOLATE FROGS?" Hermione belowed searching her pockets.  
  
Suddenly, Snape came riding into the great hall on a rebel sheep, which was mooing. "Come here Potter, you pot head! I've scored us some weed!"  
  
"DRACO! DID YOU STEAL MY CHOCOLATE FROGS WHEN WE WERE SHAGGING???" Hermione demanded across the Great Hall.  
  
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy, that hot, yummy sex-god came bursting through the door and bitch slaps Hermione.  
  
Suddenly draco sat up and screamed "LUCY!" at the top of his voice  
  
"YOU STOLE MY CHOCOLATE FROGS YOU BITCH?" Hermione demanded. "I GAVE MY BLEEDING VIRGINITY TO YOU!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? STEALING MY CHOCOLATE FROGS??"  
  
Lucius bitch slaps hermione again. "Stop screaming! And SNAPE! Humping sheep is BAD! You're supposed to hump ME!  
  
Hermione starts to sob, "But chocolate frogs are the only thing that relieves my munchies!"  
  
"But Lucy, they're so, um, pleasurable," Snape stuttered.  
  
Hermione goes over and humps the sheep with Snape.  
  
Lucy SCREAMS like a little GIRL.  
  
"GET OFF MY SHEEP!" Snape screamed, "I hate you, now get the fuck out of this fic!!!!!!"  
  
The mass public throws Hermione out of the fic.  
  
Hermione, who finally had enough of everyone being mean to her committed suicide by falling on her wand.  
  
Umbridge comes bursting through the door. "MAN! I feel like a WOMAN!" She sang as she started dancing like a hoochie-mama.  
  
Harry pipes up "NO! WOMAN you are a MAN! See that mustache?"  
  
Umbridge gasps and screams. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111"  
  
Sev and Lucy looked up disintrestedly. "You're an idiot," they muttered, and went back to smoking weed and shagging each other senseless.  
  
"FATHER! You said I could join next time!" Draco whined  
  
Virtie enters herself into the story in a mad rage and throws snape of her lucy-kins. "BAD dog!"  
  
"EXCUSE ME! I am not the dog!" Snape cried. "I *puffs up proudly* am the greesey git!"  
  
"I wonder what zulch is..." Harry wondered absent mindedly.  
  
"It isn't a word," Ron said, trying to act smart.  
  
"Zulch? I think *puffs up, more-so than snape, acting special* zulch is a more zesty kind of mulch!" Virtie said, still in the story.  
  
Lockhart comes into the great hall proclaiming, "WE HAVE FOUND A BIGGER LIAR THAN I!" and points to Virtie.  
  
Virtie sobs madly, then grabs her Lucy-kins and invites herself on Paradise Hotel. The people on Paradise Hotel are so frighten of the pair that they leave immediatly. Then Breetanya jumps into the fic and drags them back to the great hall and jumps back out again after saying 'STAY!'  
  
Virtie's lip quivers, looking all sad and dissapointed.  
  
Suddenly Dumbledore jumped onto the table and started singing the ever so interesting song "tired of sex" by the ever so interesting Weezer.  
  
"OHH! SHAKE IT BABY! SHAKE IT!" Umbridge tries putting tooneys in Dumbledore's jock strap.  
  
Everybody consious/alive/reading shudders.  
  
"In 'the restaurant at the end of the universe,' they say what the question to the meaning of life is..." Zenya started, acting smart. "42"  
  
~~~  
  
AN: Go flame Breetanya! Not meh! ^_~ 


	2. Hemorrhoid and Skin Cream

Disclaimer: This fic may cause amnesia. Seriously. And also I don't own anything HP. Neither does Breetanya, even though she thinks otherwise. :P No one owns Virtie though.. if you're Lucius, you can claim me, I mean her! ._.  
  
"I want a lisp," Ron said.  
  
"Fuck off ron" said Michael Corner.  
  
"You fuck off!" Harry said, throwing a pickle at michael, because he doesn't know who the hell he is.  
  
"I'm Ginny's boyfriend from the 5th book you moron," he screamed and burst into hysterical tears.  
  
"Baby," Ginny sneered. "You couldn't handle that we beat you in Quidditch! NOW I'm going out with a real man!" Ginny hangs on Neville's arm.  
  
"Go thove yourthelf up your bum" Ron said, practicing his lisp.  
  
Suddenly, Voldie appeared and killed Neville because he is annoying. Everyone stops and blinks repeatedly.  
  
"HEY YOU FUCKWAD YOU KILLED MY SEX TOY!" Ginny finally screams. Everyone stops blinking and retches.  
  
Ron adjusts his retainer,aka paper clip, unaware of ginny's announcement.  
  
Breetanya jumps into the fic and drags the Dursleys into the main hall to be tortured.  
  
Suddenly harry burst into flames for no apparent reason.  
  
Lucius appears, dressed only in a leopard spotted thong.  
  
Dumbledore poured water on harry, looked up, then shouted "LUCY!" at the top of his voice. "Come over here give me some of that nasty death eater love of yours!"  
  
(Zenya: Er, why did i write that?) (Virtie: Because you secretly want to see Dumbledore naked.) (Zenya: Oh.) (Breetanya: NOT MY FAULT WHOEVER IS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO READ THIS!)  
  
Lucius prances over to Dumbledore and sits on his lap, then wiggles around.  
  
Breetanya leads the torture on the Dursleys laughing insanely.  
  
"I wonder if dicks really become wrinkled with age" Harry wondered, spitting out ashes.  
  
"Of course it doesn't! I use a tightening cream," Dumbledore announced proudly.  
  
"My retainer keeps trying to fall out!" Ron cried.  
  
"Since when do you have a retainer?" Fred asked, eyeing dumbledore suggestively.  
  
Breetanya jumps out of the fic and runs into the corner after forcing the Dursleys to apply said tightening cream with the Imperius curse.  
  
"I don't," Dumbledore stated. "Ron does!" he points over to Ron who's trying to stick the paper clip, I mean retainer, in between his teeth.  
  
Zenya jumps into the fic and throws Breetanya into Azkaban.  
  
Virtie appears in the fic and beats Breetanya for being obsessed with the Dursleys, then kidnaps Lucius to take him and the thong to a dark room.  
  
Breetanya laughs safely from her impenterable hole out of the fic, as she had already jumped out of the fic.  
  
"Ronald, dear, why are you wearing a paper clip in your teeth?" Luna asked, as she wandered aimlessesly into the fic.  
  
"Because I know you want to shag me senseless but I only have eyes for Snape and I want you to go away and also because I wanted a retainer, but they said it'd hurt too much, so I made one" Ron said proudly, showing off the retainer.  
  
"I see," she said, puffing on a joint. "Would you like to share my giant lion hat with me? It's a very good spot for you to rape me, you know."  
  
"That's intriguing," Ron pondered. "Only if i can take my hemroid love with us."  
  
"SEVIE!" BBL, who was shoved into the fic by Breetanya, shouts realizing where she was. BBL promptly jumped on Snape and started to rip off his clothes.  
  
Ron mauls Luna, trying to stick a paper clip retainer in her mouth.  
  
"Of course hemriod can join us. thats exactly what I was hoping you would say, because, I am a lesbian you see," Luna said shooting herself up with heroin.  
  
"That is a very addictive drug, you know," Dumbledore helpfully pointed out. "I should know," he said, snorting white powder.  
  
"Mmmmmm... that sounds like fun! lets go then!" Ron said merrily, eating his 'special' brownie.  
  
"I want to see 'Finding Nemo'" Crookshanks screamed.  
  
"You can't talk!" Hedwig screamed.  
  
"I want to EAT Nemo," Mrs. Norris sniffed. "But he's not in the lake."  
  
"BUT I WANT TO SEE FINDING NEMO!" Crookshanks screamed again.  
  
"I must be higher than I thought," Dumbledore said. "I could have swore I heard those animals talk."  
  
"WELL I WANT TO BE PART OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN SO I CAN RAP JOHNNY DEPP!" Virtie cried.  
  
Suddenly, that greek god Argus Filch (Zenya: See, see, i made a smart joke that no one will get!) stolled in.  
  
"Johnny depp was in Pirates of the Caribbean? Who did he play? I saw that the other day.. It was really good," Ron said.  
  
"Woah... look at all those eyes," Cho said poking one of Argus's eyes. (Zenya: Wow! you got my joke!)  
  
"Johnny Depp.. You know, Jack Sparrow? The MAIN character?!" Hermione shouted disbelievingly.  
  
"That was JOHNNY DEPP?" Luna wondered. "I thought it was Snivilus."  
  
"YES IT WAS JOHNNY DEPP!!" Hermione screamed.  
  
"I didn't know that," Luna stated calmly.  
  
"Oh," Ron said bemusily.  
  
"You dork face.." Hermione said as Luna and Ron laughed.  
  
"Jack Sparrow was cool," said Hermione.  
  
"He was awesome," said Ron.. drooling.  
  
"I wish Will would have became a pirate in the end though, it was his destiny," said Snape. 


	3. Proposals and Ghosts

Disclaimer: None of the characters are to be blamed as this was not their fault. It was Bree's. We were having a wonderful conversation about Colleges, FBI Agent, and the Scarlet Letter, but she wanted to write this.  
  
"Your mama's so fat her picture fell off the wall," Draco's ghost said to ginny weasley.  
  
Ginny gasped. "Since when are you dead?"   
  
"Voldie was having a temper tantrum," Draco sighed. "Wrong place wrong time... that and i was doing his grandaughter."  
  
Ron shoved a stick up Draco's ghost's bum. "At least my momma didn't... screw... your dad!"  
  
Draco sneered at ron. "You're such a moron! I'm a ghost! that can't hurt me! Or feel good at all!"  
  
"Yeah? Well at least I can say 'I shoved a stick up draco's bum!'" Ron said, proudly.  
  
Draco squeezed Ron's balls and replied, "Now I can say I looked for your non existant balls."  
  
The audience collectively gasps.  
  
A drunk Lucius and Snape came tumbling into the room singing "Island in the Sun" with Lucius getting a little to into the 'Hip, hip's.  
  
Dumbledore ran over to join them and offered that myserious white powder that keeps popping up.  
  
Lucius gleefully shoved Snape's face into the white powder and happily said "Hip, hip."  
  
A minute later Ginny jumped onto the table, took flight and captured Severus, cackling evilly all the way. As she flew out of the great hall, she shouted in farewell "I LEARNED THAT EVIL CACKLE FROM VOLDIE! MUWHAHAAAAA!"  
  
Lucius lassoed Snape and put his face back into the white powder.  
  
BBL jumped into the fic to capture Severus back and chain him up. She grined evilly and whiped his beautifully pail chest until he promises to rap Hermione. Then she precedes to rap him herself.  
  
Everyone pauses and screams "NOOOOO!"  
  
Lucius screamed bloody murder at the sight of his lover being loved by another.  
  
Hermione killed herself on the point of her wand after declaring, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE SNAPEY!"  
  
Severus just shrugs and says "Oh well, I have enough toys."   
  
All of a sudden, Dumbledore, that spry old man jumped down from his seat and proposed to Harry.  
  
"Only if you'll give me some of that white powder for free," Harry said.  
  
Dumbledore generously produced the white powder, jumped back to the table, and back in time.  
  
Harry fainted like the queer he was at the sight of his white powder and fiancee.  
  
"I WANT PIZZA!" Crookshanks screamed.  
  
"I thought we already had this conversation," Hedwig sighed. "ANIMALS CAN'T TALK!"  
  
"Can I eat you?" Sirius asked, changing into a black dog.  
  
"Then what the hell are you and sirius doing?" Crookshanks asked.  
  
"Thinking really loud," Hedwig said smartly.  
  
"I almost swallowed my gum," Neville said.  
  
"That was random," Seamus answered him.  
  
"CATS!" Neville screamed.   
  
"Thank you," Neville replied cursing him.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Draco screamed.  
  
"Draco, please refrain from girlish shrieks while in my home," Dumbledore mumbled.  
  
"Since when are there two Nevilles?" Ron asked.  
  
"There aren't," Dumbledore mumbled again.  
  
"But... two of them... look!" Ron cried.  
  
Suddenly, Lucius SCREAMED like a GIRL.  
  
"LUCY!" Fangirls cried, jumping into the fic themselves.  
  
Suddenly, Lucius turned into a girl.  
  
"I wonder if one is a NevilleBot?" BBL asks.  
  
"THERE IS ONLY ONE NEVILLE!!!!!!" EVERYONE SCREAMED.  
  
Ron gets out a sledge hammer and hit one of the TWO Nevilles over the head, blood came out and he shrugged, "That one's human."  
  
He hit the other one over the head and blood came out, "Human too."  
  
"OWWWWWW!" screamed some random person who wasn't neville, seeing as there is only ONE.  
  
"You were wrong BBL... now what do we do with these half dead corpses?"  
  
"What a waste! HE would've made a lovely sex toy." BBL sighed.  
  
Breetanya jumped into the fic, "How many sex toys do you actually have?"  
  
BBL murmurs names and counts off on her fingers. They hear snatches that sound like Spike...Vin...Wesley. Then she replies confidently "7."  
  
"Only?" Breetanya asked. "I was sure you had at least 10."  
  
"Most of them couldn't keep up and some were temporary." BBL sighed and shrugged.  
  
Breetanya then jumped back out of the fic so they could get back to the REAL characters.  
  
BBL joined her.  
  
Professor McGollangal started to do the hokey pokey with all of the Hufflepuffs.  
  
"How come Lucius is a woman now?" Minerva asked when it ended.  
  
"Fan girls attacked," Snape sighed. "Now i'm not attracted to him at all."  
  
"That's okay. I'm now mysteriously attracted to you and can distract you from Lucy loss!" Harry screamed and jumped Snape from behind.  
  
"BUT YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME!" Dumbledore cried after eating a lemon drop.  
  
Lucius turned back into a man in time to throw Harry off Snape, and start humping Snape.  
  
"I want to buy another soul!" Ron exclaimed, prancing around the room. "They're having a two for one sale!"  
  
Suddenly, Oliver Wood in all his scottish glory came into the room and speared Ron with a spoon.  
  
"No soul sale can save you now!!!" Oliver screamed at Ron's ghost.  
  
"I wonder if ghosts can screw each other?" Ron wondered as he went off to find Draco.  
  
"I'm breaking out" Moaning Myrtle sang floating/dancing into the great hall picking at her pimples. "I want the world to know.."  
  
Virtie from her corner of the room vomited at the thought of Myrtle picking her zits which are breaking out...... Um, ew?  
  
Remus came over and patted Virtie on the head, "Its okay, but why wasn't I in the fic before?"  
  
Virtie looked up at Remus, then grabbed him and starting humping him.  
  
Myrtle saw Harry and took the opportunity to screw him. She, however, flew right through him and wailed and cried. "I'll never lose my virginity NOW!"  
  
"Well," Voldemort said coming in, "I screwed your dead body..."  
  
"Oh," Myrtle brightened. "Thank you ever so much. I wish I could have felt it, though." And with that she started sobbing again.  
  
"Why dont' you go find Ron and Draco, they'll let you in on it," Dumbledore said.  
  
Myrtle flew off to join them.  
  
Cho spoke up, "WHY IS EVERYONE SCREWING IN THE GREAT HALL? I CAN'T SCREW CEDRIC ANYMORE AND ITS NOT FAIR!"  
  
Hermione said, "It's okay. Dumbledore said it's okay for us to use the Great Hall as a brothel. Wanna screw? It'll make you feel better?"  
  
"BUT YOUR DEAD! YOU KILLED YOURSELF SO SNAPE WOULDN'T SCREW YOU ALIVE!" Cho screamed.  
  
"Bloody hell! I'd forgotten!" Hermione went to find Nearly Headless Nick.  
  
Snape leaned back in his chair, took a shot of tequila, then burped and adjusted himself.  
  
BBL popped back in "There's drunk Sevviness?" she grinned. "Drunk guys are so fun!"  
  
Breetanya screamed a scream that was heard both in and out of the fic thinking about what BBL could be thinking.  
  
Virtie kicked Bree repeatedly and demanded that the pointlessness of this fic to end. NOW. So says the Pink Queen of Death. 


End file.
